rants for the day

There are times when people mean well, and mean to help, but come across a little patronizingly. For me, this happens a lot when people feel the need to translate very basic words into English. Last Friday night, I popped into the BOE office to ask for the key to the room we use for evening classes. The lady who got the key for me said “eikaiwa desu ka? Kodomo? Children? [more, chirudoren]” Yes, I do understand the word “kodomo” after a year’s study, thank you.
Just now, at lunch time with the first and second grade class, the teacher asked me if I knew how to use chopsticks. It’s the oldest gaijin story in the book, people being surprised that you can use chopsticks, but after more than a year at this school, it was a little shocking to be asked. I think I was holding them improperly for a moment, so apparently I needed a remedial chopstick-holding lesson. The boy next to me even said, “copy him,” pointing to another boy expertly eating. As long as I can get the food from the bowl to my mouth, who cares? I ignored the lesson, mostly out of spite. Maybe I was holding them in a Chinese style, or something equally shocking. Finally, one of the boys told me I was rinsing my milk bottle incorrectly.
And for my final rant: yes, Christmas is in summer in Australia. No, we do not think Santa rides a surfboard. I am quite sure that this image was either a) invented by creative Japanese minds putting two and two together and getting five, or b) a bored exchange student making up crap about Australia for a cheap laugh. Santa – surfboard – NO.
These are some things I will not miss when I leave Japan.

Strange happening, #5314

I was summoned to the Board of Education the other day to fill out some paperwork regarding officially becoming a staff member of the Okayama-shi Board of Education (as opposed to the soon-defunct Takebe BOE). I struggled through it with dictionary in hand, as I tend to do when faced with having to write in Japanese. When I was done, BOE lady #1 (who speaks English and helps me out with these things) said to BOE lady #2, "can you read it?" and "is the kanji okay?" Why did BOE lady #2 have to read my handwriting? Because she was going to re-write the entire thing on the real forms. So I'm not trusted to write things in Japanese, apparently. All I supplied was my signature.
Back to the madness, then.

A mid-week holiday

Yesterday was Labour Thanksgiving Day, yet another national holiday I don't understand. It has nothing to do with North American Thanksgiving, and it's in the middle of the week, meaning we all had to go back to work today.
Nevertheless, I made the best of it and had a great day, thanks to the planning of other folks.
First, I took the bus to the city with Maricar, who lives two stops north of me, and always turns up on the same train as me. And yes, bus; there was a derailment on the Tsuyama line on Sunday, because of a landslide of some sort, so trains have been replaced by buses for the time being.
I was in the city for a pot-luck Thanksgiving dinner organised by Rachel and Nicole. It was a fundraiser for the Baan Unrak orphanage in Thailand, which R and N are visiting over the Christmas break. As organisers and fundraisers, they both did a fantastic job. There was a good mix of JETs and Japanese, which is always good to see, as opposed to living in our isolated little gaijin bubble. My usual chocolate mousse was a success, as usual, and I also got myself a neat woven glasses pouch for giving a donation to the orphanage.
After the dinner, I headed to Wake with Jon and Annie for a birthday dinner for Boone and Tibor at the legendary Pizza King. It was a pretty massive gathering, considering the size of the restaurant. Amazingly, despite the huge Thanksgiving dinner that didn't start until 2-ish, I managed to eat almost a whole pizza. Then, to top off a great day, Britt drove me home. Result!

Big knives, cake, scary faces: Happy Birthday, Boone!

Ludo attempts to create an impromptu birthday cake with a candle and cake he just happened to have in his backpack. He's trying to make a little pool of wax on the wrapper with which to attach the candle.

Everyone watches Ludo's birthday cake-creating with great interest.

Happy Birthday, Tibor! Note that despite his efforts, Ludo's still holding the candle in place.

Let's trivia!

The first Okayama AJET trivia night was a success! We had a much better turnout than expected, were well-behaved (for ALTs), and had a great time. Eric and I had great fun in planning and hosting, and were actually a little over-ambitious in our planning. Indeed, we only used about half the material we had prepared, so chances are there'll be another trivia night sometime in the future.

First, the winners!
Most Arse-kicking Team and Supreme Overlords of All Things Trivia: The Tawdry Hepburns!
Team That Most Sucked The Bag: The Auks! (proud winners of a set of Scream masks scrounged from my bedroom cupboard)
Best Team Name: The Bitchu Bitches! (selected through the highly democratic and accurate method of lots of cheering)

The final results of all teams and their members was as follows. Don't blame me for the names! I'm just reporting here!

The Tawdry Hepburns: 77
(Kevin, Christopher, Sarah, Rach VD)

Sekushi Ando Derishisu: 71
(Brian, Jen, Zet, Lauren)

The Ligers: 67
(Bernie, Britt, Boone, Sarah)

The Bitchu Bitches: 64.5
(Aaron, Vicky, Hitomi, Marilu)

Racism: 64.5
(Kim, Martin, Nicole R, Rebecca)

The Inaka BOOM Shakalakas: 63.5
(Vasco, Dennis, Tara A, Dave J)

The Strays: 63
(Rach A, Richard, Dani, Maricar, Tara C, Rene, Ana, Barbie)

The Handicaps Who Know Fuck All: 59.5
(Meghan, Carrie, Tibor, Marshall)

The Auks: 53.5
(Brian, Luis, Bridgid, Ping)

When gaijin attack! (2!)

Boone: when spaghetti attacks!

Rachel, Barbie, Jon: when social committees attack!

Kevin: when salarymen attack!

Dennis, me, Chris: when bio-nerds attack!

John and Dave: when PAs attack!

Amy and Ben: when Albertans attack!

When gaijin attack!

Greg, Kim, Lyric, Nicole, Rebecca, Luis, Ted, Martin, Jen: When ChampClair attacks!

Andrew and Christine: when northerners attack!

John: when beer attacks!

Ludo: when Frenchmen attack!

Un-bikeless!

In a happy resolution to the stolen-bike saga, I now have a bike again. A couple of weeks ago, I asked my BOE staff if there was a bike shop in Kumenan or Mitsu (the neighbouring towns, north and south), since I could take a train there, buy a bike, and ride it back. No-one knew, but the jichou (deputy of sorts) said the town library had a mountain I could have. We checked it out, it was completely kaput and unuseable. Back at the BOE, someone asked if I had checked Fukuwatari station again. I had. But had I checked Takebe station? No, I hadn't, since it's a damn long way to walk. One of the ladies immediately said, "I'll drive you there now!" We drove to Takebe station, the bike was not there. BOE lady then told me she had a bike no-one used. We drove to her house, cleaned up the bike (which is in surprisingly good condition, having been left against a house for goodness knows how long), and I rode it back to work. Result!
The moral of the story? Help does come eventually, you just have to leave pretty blunt hints in order to receive it.

afternoon chats with the nurse

One of my favourite parts of any day at Takeeda, my smallest elementary school, has come to be my afternoon chats with the school nurse. My classes at this school are all in the morning now, and with only 25 students, she isn't exactly run off her feet. She doesn't speak any more English than the average person off the street, but she's keen to learn, and with my keitai jisho (dictionary on my mobile), we have some decent conversations.
She likes to ask about whatever I'm reading; at the moment it's Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond. Taking that book and its pictures of various ethnic groups, we managed to discuss the following:
1. The axis theory of the spread of culture and technology*
2. Why we, as northern Asians and Europeans, are pale-skinned whilst indigenous Australians, Africans, etc are dark-skinned.
3. The diversity of religions, animals and cultures in Indonesia.
Also, I played soccer with half the school (ie a dozen kids) at lunchtime. We jankened to make teams and I ended up on a team with all the year 1 kids. After 15 minutes or so of running, I was exhausted. I may have climbed Fuji, but I'm still horribly unfit.

*In short, Eurasia has an east-west axis (ie its greater distance is east-west) whilst the Americas and Africa have north-south axes. Travelling east to west, you travel through largely similar climates; these similar climates make it easier for crops and domestic animals, and later culture and technology, to travel; hence both Japan and Spain have the same animals and crops. Going north to south, you travel through a variety of climates, from temperate to tropical to temperate. Crops and animals cannot be brought from a warm climate to a cool one, or vice versa, and hence cannot spread easily along a north-south axis. In practice, this meant that goods and ideas spread easily throughout Eurasia, giving its cultures a boost in progress, whilst the same was impossible in the Americas and Africa, thus hindering their progress in technology, agriculture etc etc. Phew!

This weekend, in pictures!

Thursday: I buy cheese. It proves to be the grossest display of overpackaging yet; a normal-sized bag of shredded cheese containing 5 packets of supposedly single serves of cheese. Now, why Japan would sell tiny portions of cheese to spread over its enormous slices of bread is beyond me.
Also on Thursday: karaoke! hooray!
Friday: Takebe culture festival. Basically, a bunch of local arts and crafts on display at the town culture centre. Great stuff, especially the ikebana, and the pictures made of pieces of shredded coloured paper (whatever that's called). Also, I had 10 photos displayed, meaning I supplied two-thirds of the photography display. There was a mix-up about labels, so there was just a big sign in katakana saying "Robato Paueru: Osutoraria."
Saturday: afternoon in the city with Dave, coffee, shopping, library, and an arty photo of a snazzy orange building and the purple Symphony Hall.

Sunday: some errands in the city. Exploration of the new Okayama station, which is horribly inconvenient for my train line, but has one saving grace - Vie de France, a wonderful bakery, that's worth the effort it takes to get from my platform to the new station parts. In the above photo, see the new structure, with a bit of sloping roof? See how it stops before reaching the platform on which I'm standing? Yeah, apparently the Tsuyama and Kibi Lines weren't worthy of access to the fancy new station. Instead, we have three ways of accessing the fancy new shops and restaurants; go downstairs, then upstairs onto another, worthier platform, then take the stairs up to the new stuff; exit through the west side, go up the outside staircase down the road a bit onto the new east-west overpass (new station signage actually directs you to do this); use the stairs at the end of the platform to make a near-complete circle of every other platform, around the back. So, new station - boo. Vie de France - yay.

Are you postmodern?

"I'm So Postmodern," by the mysterious Bedroom Philosopher, may well be the funniest song I've ever heard. Here are its deliriously wonderful, definitively Australian lyrics in full:

I’m so postmodern that I just don’t talk anymore, I wear different coloured t-shirts according to my mood.
I’m so postmodern that I work from home as a surf lifesaving consumer hotline.
I’m so postmodern all my clothes are made out of sleeping bags, I don’t need pockets, I’m a pocket myself.
I’m so postmodern I go to parties I’m not invited to, and locate the Vegemite, and write my name on everyone.
I’m so postmodern I write reviews for funerals, and heckle at weddings from inside a suitcase.
I’m so postmodern I’m going to adopt a child, and teach him how to knit, and call him Adolf Diggler.
I’m so postmodern that I breakdance in waiting rooms, play Yahtzee in nightclubs, at three in the afternoon.
I’m so postmodern I only go on dates that last thirteen minutes, via walkie-talkie, whilst hiding under the bed.
I’m so postmodern I invite strangers to my house, and put on a slideshow of other people’s Nans.
I’m so postmodern I went home and typed up everything you said, and printed it out in wingdings, and gave it back to you.
I’m so postmodern I held an art exhibition, a Chupa-chup stuck to a swimming cap, and no-one was invited.
I’m so postmodern I make alphabet soup, and dye it purple, and pour it on the lawn.
I’m so postmodern I request Hey Mona on karaoke, then sing my life story to the tune of My Sharona.
I’m so postmodern I only think in palindromic haikus: “Madam, I Glenelg, I’m Adam!”
I’m so postmodern that I sit down to wee, and stand up to poo, at job interviews.
I’m so postmodern that I dress up as Santa, in the middle of August, and haunt golf courses.
I’m so postmodern that I cut off all my hair, and knitted it into a beanie, and threw it off a bridge.
I’m so postmodern that I stole everyone’s mail, cut them up into a ransom note and hid it in a thermos.
I’m so postmodern I take my Lego to the supermarket, and build my own shopping trolley and only buy one nut.
I’m so postmodern I wrote a letter to the council – I think it was M.
I’m so postmodern I bought a round-the-world plane ticket, and stuffed my clothes with eggplant and pretended it was me.
I’m so postmodern I’ve got a tattoo of my PIN number in hieroglyphics, on my neighbour’s guide dog.
I’m so postmodern I fought my way into parliament, made a law banning Nuttelex and then moved to Spain.
I’m so postmodern that I iron all my lettuce leaves, put my shirts in the crisper – they’re real crisp.
I’m so postmodern I give live mice to buskers, dirty teatowels to Mormons and pavlova to crabs.
I’m so postmodern that I live in a tent, on a platform of skateboards that’s tied to a tram.
I’m so postmodern I write four-thousand word essays on the cultural significance of party pies.
I’m so postmodern I recite Shakespeare at a KFC drive-through, through a megaphone, in sign language.
I’m so postmodern I’m going to watch the Olympics on a black-and-white TV, with the sound down.
I’m so postmodern I go to the gym after hours, push up against the door, then cry myself to sleep.
I’m so postmodern I wrote a trilogy of novels from the perspective of a possum that Jesus patted once.
I’m so postmodern that I marry all my friends, soak myself in metho, and tell them that they’ve changed.
I’m so postmodern I bought every book written in 1963 as a reading challenge, and clogged up a waterslide.
I’m so postmodern I think I might be a god, in my undies rolling in sugar, in the carpark of a rodeo.
I’m so postmodern I prerecorded this song, and laced a message subliminally telling Shane Porteous to buy a smock.

J'oublie le francais...

Il y a un et demi depuis que je parle le français dans la vie quotidienne. J’ai peur que je vais oublier tout que j’ai appris. Même qu’avec les autres francophones, je ne le parle pas beaucoup. Alors, j’écris un petit blog en français. Si tu le comprends, bien, sinon, tant pis. Aujourd’hui je suis allé à l’école pour deux leçons avec les classes cinquième et sixième. Les enfants étaient, comme toujours, assez enthousiaste. Ensuite, je suis rentré au bureau, et maintenant, je suis ici, assis à mon bureau. Formidable. Il n’y a que deux heures jusqu’à le weekend, parce que demain, c’est une fête nationale. J’irai à la fête culturelle de Takebe, et après ça, je n’ai pas grand chose à faire. C’est le premier weekend depuis longtemps comme ça, et ça me fait heureux. C’est bien à n’avoir pas grand chose à faire, je crois.